Porn Store Stories: Frantic Friday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Scary Lady,

 

 

No, we do not carry snuff films. Are those even legal? Go away.

 

Signed,

You Scare Me

 

Dear First Timer,

 

Ok, I get that you’ve never been in one of these stores before, but you really need to calm down. Nothing in here is scary (except the customer that just left), illegal, or going to bite you. Relax, think about what you like, and look around. Your nerves are making me nervous.

 

Signed,

This is Supposed to be Fun

 

Dear Greasy Guy,

 

So, is looking at every single cover of every single movie in the store the low-rent version of actually buying one?

 

Signed,

The Person Who Gets to Straighten All Those After You Leave

 

 

Dear Math Challenged,

Ok, I get that numbers are hard for you. I’m actually trying to help. The movies you picked out are $10 apiece, three for $20, or five for $25. You got four, that’s $30 (before tax, trying not to confuse you here). If you pick out one more, you will have five, earning you the five for $25 price, thereby SAVING you $5 AND getting you an extra movie. It really isn’t complicated. But on second thought, since you keep interrupting and telling me I’m trying to trick you into spending more money, forget it. That’ll be $30, plus tax.

Signed,
Math is Your Friend

 

 

Dear Biker Dude,

While I’m flattered (and confused) in a creepy sort of way by the question, the answer is no, I do not appear in any of the movies we sell. I actually don’t think there’s a big market in porn for overweight 30somethings with stretch marks. Thanks for asking, though… I suggest you check either the shelf with the “redhead” movies or the rack with the “big boobs” movies, depending on what prompted you to ask.

Signed,
Not a Pornstar

Dear Other Biker Dude,

I don’t model lingerie and I certainly don’t model nipple clamps. There’s a picture on the package, if you can’t figure out from that what they look like on, I can’t help you.

Signed,
Seriously, Just A Cashier

 

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