Porn Store Stories: Freak Out Friday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Stoned Lady,

 

You have three Fentanyl patches on your arm and you smell like a brewery. I don’t even understand how you are upright, walking, and talking, let alone trying on stripper clothes. You are, however, moving at the pace of a snail on Xanex. Please make a decision and get out of my store, before you OD on me or something. You’re making me nervous.

 

Signed,

Don’t want to end up doing CPR on you

 

 

Dear Guy With All The Trans Movies,

 

Seriously, you don’t need to explain or justify your tastes to me. Really. I don’t care. I work in a porn store. I see everything. I don’t judge, I promise.

 

Signed,

Heard it all before

 

 

Dear Litterbug,

 

I understand that you don’t want your girlfriend to know that you spent $33.00 on the “Bad Schoolgirl Pocket Pussy”. I don’t even blame you. But that’s no excuse for ditching the packaging in the parking lot. There were trashcans just a few feet away. It would have killed you to use one?

 

Signed,

The Chick Who Has To Pick Up Your Trash

 

Dear Hyper Chick,

 

No, I really doubt our “Spanish Fly” will show up on a urine test. In fact, I doubt it even works… I strongly suspect that it’s just flavored water with food coloring. Calm down a little.

 

Signed,

Amused

 

Advertisements

Discuss!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s