Porn Store Stories: Freaks Come Out at Night Friday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Freaky Chick,

 

It’s cool that you know what you want and all that, but your boyfriend looked really nervous about that whip. You might want to go easy on him. Then again, maybe he deserves it. I’m just saying, I don’t usually see guys in here look quite that nervous.

 

Signed,

Be Kind

 

Dear Loiterer,

 

I’ve spent the last hour and a half watching you pick up, examine, and put back every. single. movie. on every, single. shelf. You couldn’t buy just one lousy movie? You’re what, storing up all the pictures on the cases in your head for later use?

 

Signed,

Not running a peep show

 

Dear Mr. Or Miss. Whichever you prefer,

 

You have told me, no less than 6 times, that you’re a hermaphrodite. I get it. And honestly, I could not care less what you have between your legs. I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to share that information with a complete stranger, I’m happy for you and all, but I don’t need to know this, it’s none of my business, and I don’t give a damn. You know what I do give a damn about? The fact that it’s five minutes after closing time and you’re still in here telling me your life story. And you’re doing it too fast for me to interrupt and tell you that I’m supposed to be closed. Buy something, already, or go tell the bartender your whole history. I don’t want to be rude, but it’s time to go.

 

Signed,

Not a Confessional Booth.

 

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