Porn Store Stories: Fun Times

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have. 

Dear little old lady with the walker,

I apologize for not knowing immediately where the “mature porn” titles were. In my defense, I’m still learning, it’s a big store, and that’s not a commonly requested genre. And it didn’t take me that long to find them. And I also apologize that we were so low on titles that you didn’t already have. You did buy three that you seemed happy to find, though, so I don’t think you needed to be quite so crabby. However, I’m somewhat awed by the presence of a 78 year old woman in a porn shop, so I’ll forgive you.

Respectfully yours,

In Awe.

Dear Stripper’s Boyfriend,

Yes, we give a stripper discount. No, you don’t get it because you’re dating a stripper. If you want it, you’ll have to have her come in and buy the studded leather thong. The whip is full price no matter who buys it, the dancer discount is only for clothes. On the other hand, you could have claimed to be a male stripper and gotten the discount, even if I didn’t believe you, because it isn’t like we have any way to verify this stuff. So thanks for your honesty, at least.

Sincerely,

Not The Discount Fairy

Dear Obnoxious Guy,

We do have some female sexual enhancers, but no, I have nothing in stock that is guaranteed to make her “want your body” as you put it. May I suggest doing the dishes or changing the oil in her car? And no, you won’t get a refund on your happy penis pills if you take them and then can’t get her in the mood. I promise, the owner will back me on this. I’d suggest getting her in the mood first.

Sincerely,

Wishing Your Wife Luck

Dear Chick With All the Change,

It’s none of my business, and maybe you just cleaned under your couch cushions and decided to treat yourself. But when I see you counting out nickels and pennies for a vibrating bullet, my first thought is that you may want to rethink your financial priorities. Just saying.

Sincerely,
Helpful Hint

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