Porn Store Stories: Manic Morning

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Early Birds,

 

 

It’s a porn store. What do we have that’s so important that you’re waiting outside a half hour before I open? I’m scared to open up and find out.

 

Sincerely,

Too Early For This

 

 

Dear Crazy Lady,

Did you really tell me, after picking out and paying for a glow in the dark vibrator, that I should find a new job for the sake of my immortal soul? If I could have found my voice fast enough, I’d have pointed out that I’m just working here, you’re the one SHOPPING here.

Signed,
Still Blinking Stupidly

Dear guy with the dreds,
Yes, the movie you picked out does say buy two get one free. Why would that give you any money off when you are only buying that ONE movie? Go pick out two more and you can have your one free.

Signed,
Here’s your sign

 

 

Dear Last Customer,
I think you’re probably going to hurt yourself attempting to use that toy the way you think you’re going to use it. You seemed really nice, and I’m sorry I couldn’t talk you out of it. I know you’re trying to give your girlfriend what she wants, but I’m guessing you either misunderstood her, or you need a new girlfriend.

Sincerely,
Kinda Worried

 

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