Porn Store Stories: Surreal Saturday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear guy who forgot his glasses,

I get that you’re having trouble seeing. I do. But wouldn’t it make more sense to go get them than to ask me to pick out your movies? I mean, porn is kind of a personal choice. Picking it out for a total stranger is awkward.

And, um, by the way, didn’t you DRIVE here? Was that a good idea, if you’re that vision impaired?

Signed,

Hates Saturdays

 

 

 

Dear Retired Cop,

 

No, we don’t give discounts to retired cops. We’re a porn store. We give discounts to strippers. And you can tell your “friend” that we don’t stock animal movies. If you’re really a retired cop, couldn’t you have come up with a better story than, “see, I have this friend…”?

 

Signed,

 

Skeptical

 

 

Dear guy with the speech impediment,

 

No, I haven’t the slightest idea where you can find a dominatrix. No, those are not services we provide. Seriously, no, I don’t want to try it. Am I wearing leather and carrying a whip? I don’t know where you need to go, but it isn’t here.

 

Signed,

 

Not the dominatrix type

 

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