Porn Store Stories: Swamped Saturday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Costume Shoppers,

 

It is Saturday. Halloween is Monday. You all just now decided you needed costumes? We’ve had them on sale for a month now. But no, you all come in hours before the parties start looking for the perfect costumes. Next year, plan ahead.

 

Signed,

Ran Like Crazy All Night

 

Dear Butt Lady,

 

When you came in and told me that you needed a big butt, do you have any idea how hard it was not to tell you to look behind you? You left yourself wide open for that. I was biting my tongue the entire time you were in the store. You seemed like a nice lady, and I’m sorry I didn’t have a fake butt to sell you. But next time, you might want to think about how you phrase these things.

 

Signed,

Still Giggling Inwardly

 

Dear Nearly Naked,

 

We are a porn store. Our costumes are seriously not revealing enough for you? Have fun at the party in the lingerie you picked out. Try not to freeze, or get arrested for indecent exposure.

 

Signed,

Seen Strippers Buy Clothes That Cover More

 

Dear Haggler,

 

No, I can’t “just cut you a better deal” on that toy. First of all, I don’t own the place, so it’s not my call. Second, this is a store, not a garage sale. We don’t haggle. Do you haggle at Wal-Mart? This is no different. Try the flea market. Good luck with that.

 

Signed,

Not Going For It

 

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