Porn Store Stories: Trauma and Drama Tuesday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Creepy Leering Guy,

 

There are so many things in this store for you to stare at. We have crazy toys. We have posters of half naked porn stars. There is at least one fully naked porn star on almost every DVD case. We even have blow-up dolls.

 

So why are you staring at me?

 

You’ve been in this store for an hour and a half, and every time I look up, you’re staring. And it’s creepy. And I really wish you would quit.

 

And by the way, asking me which days and hours I work normally didn’t make me feel any better about you. You don’t need to know that. Go. Away.

 

Signed,

Please Don’t Stalk Me

 

 

Dear Pumper,

 

Yes, I know that I’m the only worker in the store and am therefore the default expert on our stock. So I really apologize for my lack of knowledge about penis pumps. But, you see, since I lack the necessary equipment to use one even if I wanted to, and have never seen one in use, it is very difficult for me to determine which one would be best for you. That’s a decision you really need to make on your own.

 

However, since I explained to you multiple times that I really had no idea what the difference among them was, AND let you examine all of them out of the packaging so that you could determine the differences for yourself, and you’re still asking for my advice, I give up. See that one there? It’s the most expensive one we stock. Therefore it must be the best, right? Go with that. Good luck. And remember, all sales are final.

 

Signed,

If It Were A Breast Pump, I May Have Been More Help

 

Dear Dreadlocks,

 

I know I’ve already mentioned customers who overstayed their welcome while picking up every movie in the place, thoroughly examining it, and putting it back. But you — you are breaking some kind of record here. You have been here for FOUR hours. Nobody spends four hours in a porn store. Don’t you have anything else to do? And if not, may I suggest combing your hair?

 

Signed,

It’s a Store, Not The Porn Museum

 

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