Porn Store Stories: Twisted Tuesday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Guy Who Likes Women’s Clothing,

 

I’m all for your right to wear whatever makes you feel comfortable. If that’s a “sexy Hermione” costume, then by all means, buy it and have fun! Wear whatever floats your boat. But really, when you ask me “tell me the honest truth, does this look sexy on me?” Um, no. It doesn’t. Maybe if you didn’t have quite so much hair? The flowing beard kind of doesn’t go with the skirt…. But hey, if you like it, pay no attention to me. Really.

 

Signed,

Torn Between Diplomacy and Honesty

 

Dear Wishful Thinking,

 

Those are extra large condoms. No, we don’t have anything bigger. I highly, highly doubt you need anything bigger — and if you do, you probably don’t need the condoms… seriously, if you’re dragging around something that massive between your legs, I know I wouldn’t want you anywhere near me.

 

Signed,

Remember, If You Buy Them And They’re Too Big, We Won’t Take Them Back

 

Dear Hopeful,

 

I hate to tell you this, but that cream you just bought is not going to magically add inches. It’s just not. I know it says it will, but it won’t. Whatever you’ve got, you’re pretty much stuck with it. Sorry.

 

Signed,

Welcome To Reality

 

Dear Obnoxious,

 

This is getting old. You come in every night and buy between 5 and 10 movies, which is good business, so I can’t tell you that it’s getting old, but it is. You’re a jerk. You’re rude, you demand discounted prices for sales that don’t exist and get pissy when I tell you that we don’t have that sale, and you completely destroy dozens of racks of movies in minutes, right before I close, thereby keeping me there late straightening them back up. But you spend so much money so regularly that I’m stuck just putting up with it. You suck.

 

Signed,

What On Earth Do You Do With That Much Porn?

 

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